I like big BUT… what if’s??
The future is a realllllllllly scary thing. Graduating school, moving away, finding (hopefully) a job, meeting new people, growing up, falling down, starting over- none of that is easy.
I went to the career fair at my university a few months ago. Dressed up and resume in hand, I took a deep breath and walked in. Business casual attire and hand shakes filled the room. Everyone looked so put together and absolutely sure of their next steps into the future. I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breath. 15 minutes after walking in, I decided I could either have an anxiety attack in front of 600 of my peers, or sprint to my car and head home. Considering I hate crying in general, I chose the latter.
“Jesus, what the heck am I doing?! I have no idea what You want me to do with my life. I graduate in a few months and time is running out. Can You at least give me a sign or something? Where is the road map?” I cried out to Him, desperate for any type of response.
Ask, and you shall receive.
You see, the enemy was whispering into my head that day, “You aren’t prepared for the real world. You’re too indecisive to know what you want. You’ll never find your true purpose, and even if you do- I’ll smile while I watch you fail miserably.”
Satan is the WOAT (Worst Of All Time), y’all. He is so sneaky with how he fills my head with lies and corruption. He tells me that my future is already looking dark and cloudy, that I will never be ‘good enough’ for God’s Kingdom. But in the Mighty Name of Jesus Christ- I can rebuke that completely. He has no power to create these insecurities or doubts. How? Because my God has already claimed victory over all darkness, He changes everything.
“Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest!” the crowd yelled, as Jesus rode through the streets of Jerusalem on a donkey (Matthew 21). Hosanna means “come save us now”. The plea for protection being called out in praise, and I wonder if He felt more of the adoration or the cry for help in their voices.
Sometimes, I feel the same way. I lift my hands and rejoice in His faithfulness. But deep down I feel that shiver in my heart, desperately craving His protection and safety. I hear the whisper from the enemy that I should never belong in God’s omnipresent glory.
But Jesus takes the hands of the least and forgotten, and calls them Beloved. He takes the pieces of the broken-hearted, and makes them whole. He takes the mourning, and wipes the tears away from their eyes. He embraces the guilty, and washes them white as snow. He looks the fearful in the eye, and calms the storm.
You may be thinking, “easier said than done, Sydney”. And you are right. I can say, “Jesus, take the wheel” allllllllllll day long. But if I have my hands gripped on the key in ignition and refuse to start the car- guess what? I’m not going anywhere.
“But… what if I don’t land my dream job?”
“But… what if the cancer isn’t healed?”
“But… what if I never pay off my debt?”
“But… what if I stay single forever?”
But… what if I choose to believe God is still a good God- no matter the circumstance? What if I still praise him when things don’t go my way and on my time schedule? What if I lean not on my own understanding, but continue to trust in His eternal promises? What if I live out my life as if I am continuously standing in Jesus’ presence?
Going out of my comfort zone is not something I am easily willing to do. A broken combination of pride and fear restricts me from pushing forward into the unknown of what I cannot see. But when I am obedient to the Holy Spirit, it is amazing at how He remains as a faithful Shepherd to His lost sheep.
Words that the Lord has put on my heart for this year are “fearless” and “surrender”. Although I will not be perfect at every step, I do know that the Lord will not let go of my hand throughout this journey. “Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence.” Ephesians 3:12
He is a good good Father. It is well with my soul because I believe that He is forever faithful. He is here with me now and forever more.